treasure ur grandparents..

it felt so impossible that so many things cld take place during such a short span of time..
i've been busy wif my stuff for two mths since I received news that my grandma was v ill two mths back.. i took urgent leave n rushed down to visit her on a Monday afternoon in apr.. in fact nearly the entire fam was down at her place, worrying abt her condition.. it was a false alarm, thanks heaven, that she onli slipped into a sugar coma due to low sugar count..
two mths passed with every wk, mi not being able to make some time 2 go down n visit her... somehow e responsibility falls greatly on us 2 make sure we visit her ever since mummy passed away... it used to be a weekly routine for my cousins n us 2 gather every sun 2 visit our grandparents.. gradually, e routine ceased when each of us start leading our own life as work n life catch up wif us...
i tink im e most unfilial one paying e least visit to them T__T
my grandfather got a stroke (i forgot its actually one or two yrs back..) to a pt he nearly forgot abt mi.. frankly, i was quite upset abt it but i hav nobody to blame but myself.. but in e end he still rem mi which nearly always make mi in tears..

as i am typing this, i am trying my v best 2 hold back my tears...

e thunderbolt news came last sunday nite that my grandma has passed away in the hospital.. two days shortly after dear junie's wedding.. i received e news on a saturday afternoon.. but NO, i din rush down becos i was too dead tired fr J's wedding... so i made excuses 2 myself 2 visit her on a weekday after work.. sunday was my paternal grandmother's birthday celebration so i cldnt go down... but everything felt like mere excuses when things started to happen.. i was reeling in shock.. but i cldnt let my emotions out.. it felt................. v empty inside.. like a void dark blank... i cldnt find e tears 2 cry... becos i din get 2 c her at all when she was still alive.. n i din get 2 even c her when she was being transported out of the hospital to the mortuary..

it was a very different feeling as compared to 10 years ago when i received news of the death of my paternal grandfather.. i broke down on e spot in the school compound, scaring quite a few of my choir frens becos it was rite after a choir competition.. i reckoned i was younger.. emotions were easier then... you can just cry or don't cry..

sunday, i cldnt cry.. i dunno wat exactly im holding back for.. i onli rem how much i wish for the presence of my mum...

monday i reached e wake at 9am.. we went through the necessary rites.. i saw her coffin being carried into the closed up area.. i din cry when i saw her face in the coffin.. saw how thin she has become... it tore at my heart.. i was quite terrified with myself.. hav i grown to be so cold blooded until i cannot longer cry when there's death in the family.. or izzit the older u get, e harder it is to show e tears in front of ppl??

on e way out to the altar area, i tot 2 myself i can no longer see 外婆 anymore... chinese new year is nv gg to be the same anymore without her ard.. e tears started... memories flashback is one of e worst aches..
i tot of my poor grandfather hu is so heartbroken wif her death.. so heartbroken wif my mum's death such that everytime he c my sis n mi, he wld break down in tears.. tis is sth v v new for a grandfather hu spoke of v few words n emotions before he got e stroke..

it is v nerve wrecking for the past three years when one thing happened after another... it makes mi see how life has turned out to be so fragile as one gets older.. everyone tells mi it is inevitable.. it is juz part n parcel of life... but y do humans have to go through all these? one wk before, i c my grandfather so strong n sturdy, e next he was stricken by stroke.. my grandmother growing frail as days go by but i still go on wif my life..

each time that there is a death in the family, i noe things will never be the same anymore... i will never be able to walk through e same house without feeling that something is amiss.. even if she was not there with mi every min but she had been there throughout my growing yrs for the past 26 years... this is significant...

e same as i dun like CNY anymore after mummy has passed away... no matter what i try to do on e eve of e nite, there is a void tat cannot b filled up... mother's day also seems pointless to mi anymore...

things hit hard when u get older, n more sensible, n more aware of wat is gg on... e ache tat u feel now is 100,000,000 times more that what u cld hav felt 10yrs ago... becos even though my grandparents are not the ones hu have brought mi up, yet nearly every event in ur life so far has been spent wif them...

i rem how it was like when i always looked forward to gg 2 my grandma's hse every sun when i was young.. though i noe e purpose was not 2 visit them but to play wif my cousins.. it did count that their presence marks a difference no matter wat e intention of the visit is meant for...
i rem how everytime during pri class periods, when e afternoon wind blew at mi, it always make mi tink of my grandma's hse...
i rem there was once i decided we need to have an updated family photo during one of my grandma's birthday celebrations so i brought my camera along.. e feeling felt great when everyone was so enthusiastic n delighted 2 take e photos.. im glad i made tat happened probably 6-7yrs ago.. but regretted when i din cont wif tis every yr..

a fren told mi 2 treasure (in fact many did..) whatever i hav wif huever i have now so that there wont b regrets in future.. it is always at tat instant where u rem n wan 2 treasure every moment, n aft a while, things go back to their usual cycle n everyone takes each other for granted again.. i hav made my effort in trying 2 tok 2 my dad more juz fyi...
i feel no matter how much u treasure ur fam, there's gg 2 b a pt where there's still regrets... death brings upon regrets...

i dun need anymore condolences... for i noe, i will be going through all these for probably another 100times when i hav a big fam... it will probably grow to a pt where i dun even noe how 2 cry anymore... e feeling juz numbs in e heart..